Fears and Truth

In the last month a lot of people have been asking me, 'why did you wait so long,' 'do you wish you had done it earlier?,' and other questions of the sort.

Truthfully, there are a multitude of factors that went in to my radical mindset transformation, but I try not to dwell in the past. For example, it would be easy to grieve over what might-have-been had I started the pump 10 years ago - how much better I would have felt, how my health could and most certainly have been exponentially improved. Sure, that's all well and true, but here's how I see it....better to start the pump NOW than next year, in ten years, or never. So the last 22 years have not been the greatest, well the next 22 will be!

Now that you understand my mindset, I'll share some more about this transitional experience. As mentioned in an earlier post, I want to share some of my prior fears with you, and namely some of the great inhibitors to making the switch from needles (injections) to the pump.

1. I dreaded the prospect of being 'connected,' 'wired,' 'hooked up,' or as the pump companies call it, 'tethered.' No matter what words you try to use to make it more appealing, the simple fact is you've got a small tube attached to your body - generally at all times.

I could think of 1,000 reasons that it simply wouldn't work for me. I mean, with my busy exercise schedule (o.k., maybe it was busy 15 years ago!), it would be difficult. And even though I hadn't exercised seriously this side of Y2k, hey, I could get started again at any time!!

Then there's my recreational sports. You know, flag football, pick-up basketball, weekend street hockey with the kids, family camp ping-pong, Nintendo wii, you get the idea. Again, in my mind I am quite the involved athlete, but in actuality the amount of time spent on the aforementioned "sports" annually could most likely be numbered in one hand!

Of course there's the fear of the unknown - what about showers, baths, swimming, sleeping (this was a big time concern for me) and other miscellaneous activities? You simply take it off for showers, baths, and other stuff (when you want) for up to an hour without really affecting anything. There's a little piece on the end of the tubing that snaps into place at the infusion site that is easily disconnected for short periods of times. Sleeping? Leave it on. That concept freaked me out, because I am not one of those lay perfectly still sleepers. So you just clip the pump to your wasitband, and sleep! It's not a bother in any way, shape or form.

You know what's so startling to me now, after one month on the pump? I thought it would be embarrassing to have that mini-tube showing (it doesn't have to), and it would look ridiculous. I figured I could hide it easily enough, but was still concerned about it. Now, rather than hide it, I'd prefer to show it. This small piece of brilliance has transformed my entire life, and I'm very proud to be on the pump!

2. I thought that wearing the pump meant I lost and diabetes won. I even stated aloud that I preferred multiple shots (I was on at least 5 per day) over 'being connected' to a pump. I reasoned that I had more control by sticking with the injections, and that by wearing the pump I was conceding defeat.

How idiotic of me. Even writing that is a little distressing. Ignorance is not bliss, and willful ignorance is even less blissful. I was totally wrong, completely uninformed, and unwilling to accept anything other than my own fears and imagined strongholds.

The simple truth is that diabetes is really difficult to control - even in the best of circumstances. Diabetics need to use every single tool available to manage, treat, control the disease, and proactively stave off any future complications. Wearing the pump is not losing, it's stacking the deck in your favor. You've still got to play the game (count your carbs, follow your regimine, etc.) but you just moved the odds of victory greatly in your favor!

3. I thought it was 'abnormal.' Why this bothered me, I have no clue. Admittedly, I am a little weird anyway (who isn't, right?), but there's something about the anonomyity of diabetes I liked.

For so many of the chronic diseases, recognition is immediate. Diabetes is different - but it wreaks havoc on the inside, and often by the time it surfaces outwardly it's too late to make an appreciable change. The pump just seemed so regimented, so official, so dorky, and so "hey, I'm diabetic and have to wear this awful thing 24 hours a day for the rest of my life" that I wasn't really keen on.

Again, it's easy to discount something when you have no experiential knowledge. It's funny to look back (not that far back, I might add), and see the error of my ways.

I've often thought how cool it would be if we could all see each other's struggles. We go through our days and assess others as having it together (or not) without realizing that everyone of us has a struggle - a battle - a daily trial.
For some it's health, others addictions, some the past, others the present, and some the future. Regardless, each has their own struggle; and I bet we'd be a lot more compassionate and understanding if we could see beyond the surface.

That about does it for my pre-pump fears. It doesn't seem all that big of deal now, but then...whoooooa - major league inhibitors!

In closing, I want share one final admission: I was comfortable in my routine, even though my routine was unsuccessful. That's not easy to say, but it's the truth. Somehow, I justified it; even though the excuses are now (and were then) sorely empty.

Asking Christ to save me from certain spiritual death changed my spirit inside, and altered my eternity. Overcoming my fears and having enough faith just to try the pump has changed my physical state in a similar fashion. My body is beginning to get healthy by utilizing this amazing pump, just as my spirit is nourished by God's Word. For quite some time now the spirit man was healthy, but the physical man was not. Try as I may, I cannot find the words to say how wonderful it feels to know that finally the physical man is getting healthy as well.

With great enthusiasm and eternal gratitude, I am gladly pumpin...