Tuesday, May 26, 2009

What I'm scared of

I hate to admit that I'm afraid. I try to reason it away out it out of my mind, or at least place it far enough back there that I don't have to deal with it regularly. Then there's the faith element, where I know that I have nothing to fear.

But if I'm being honest, I'd say I'm not doing too great in any of the aforementioned areas. The truth is, I am leery - no apprehensive - all right, out with it....scared.

Of what?

I am coming up on 23 years of being a type-1 diabetic. That's a looong time. The last 6+ months have been better than ever (literally), the best ever. But that doesn't negate the other 22+ years (although I wish it could). So I think of the long-term effects of high blood sugars, knowing full well that decades of highs are not beneficial to the body.....of how I THOUGHT I was doing my best, but I was coming up far short....of how the complications were non-existent, so I chose not to acknowledge them in any way.

And that's what makes me scared.

There is very little research on this topic. Many professionals agree that the body can and does recover well by controlling blood sugars. But to say that diabetes affects each diabetic the same would be lunacy. I know diabetics who managed well that experienced terrible complications early on, and others who have no control and no complications nearly 40 years in to it.

I have come to realize the fargility of life and am trying to take advantage of each moment given. I'm learning that although diabetes may be controllable, its ramifications are simply beyond my control.

I'm mostly good with that, but still a little scared.

Until next time, I'll be pumpin...


Little Tony said...

Whenever I have spoken about disability in terms of suffering, pain, weakness, or hardship it is always in this same context... loss of control. It is a gift to us from God whenever He thrusts upon us a situation that forces us to lose control, to rely on Him, or not be able to rely on ourselves for an answer. I am not trying to lessen what you have to go through each day in any way, it sucks I am sure, a whole lot of the time. But, how it helps make you the man you are, that serves God how you do, helps each one of us who serves with you. I so appreciate your honesty, and pray that whatever circumstances come, you will always lead in transparency like this.

Pastor Jerry said...

As LT said in his latest blog, you are walking through the brush with Dad. A little scary, but .... Check it out.

beckybj said...

I can't even imagine what that must be like. It's awesome how honest you are about your fears. Just know that you have friends who will do anything they can do for you. I hope you know that :) Tim and I love you very much!

kristy said...

Until I experienced it myself, I never would have been able to understand how loss of control could be a gift from God, as Little Tony put it. But, it really is, isn't it? The fear of the unknown, the loss of control, and the realization of your fragility is just that, a gift. Thanks for your honesty.